Random Notions and Stories of Teaching

March 26, 2006

Random Weighty Thoughts

So...I've been following this hubbub (after coming late to the game). I've read posts about it here and here and here and here.

While MIM's basic argument that women shouldn't "let themselves go" after they get married doesn't apply to me; the argument that not being "in shape" isn't fair to my husband does apply to me. I would also agree with her that sometimes weight gain can be a symptom of depression not the cause. For me, it all becomes quite messy - a question of "which came first, the chicken or the egg".

I have never been thin. Never. I can't remember a time when I wasn't "the fat girl." I can't remember a time when I haven't been in public sneaking furtive glances at people who were making fun of me under their breath or loudly so everyone could hear. I could tell stories that would take up pages and pages of my blog, but who really wants to hear that? No one. And trust me, I don't want to relive those experiences. Like most overweight kids, I learned to make the jokes for people, before they could make them. Erin's defense mechanism #1 - humor.

Here's the deal though. I met my husband online (the only way, I still believe, I could ever meet someone). We were friends for a while before we even explored a relationship. I made sure that he had genuine feelings for me before I ever sent him a picture. And even after I sent the picture...I worried. It had happened before. Someone seemed to genuinely "like" me only to never speak to me again after I sent my picture.

Is that considered tricking him? I made him care about me...then I sent him the downside of this relationship - my picture. For me, it was self-defense. Throughout our whole relationship, I've never been thin therefore I seriously don't believe Hokie Hubby expects it of me. He either loves me for me or he doesn't.

Have you seen the Weight Watchers commerical with the Cher song (Song for the Lonely)? The one that shows the following words:
There is more than one woman
Who feels like the fattest woman in the room
Who dreads mirrors
Who would rather shop for shoes than clothes
Who will try and fail more times than she can count

It's stupid and its insane, but the first time I saw that commercial, I cried. (I'm such a freakin' baby, anyway) I guess, it was just the fact that someone, somewhere "got it".

I think my point is this. No matter what I have looked like over the years - my husband seems to be proud of me.

I can't understand why.
I can't fathom it.

I hate going to social functions with him because I hate being the fattest woman in the room. He refuses to go without me, because he likes "showing me off". Is he insane!? Hide me in a closet like a normal person would want to. Sitting at a soccer banquet full of atheltic young college girls is my worst nightmare.

The only time he gets really angry with me is when I make "jokes". Most people just laugh. Hokie Hubby gives me the evil eye and makes me repeat vile words like, "I'm a beautiful person." (Gag)

Each time I decide I really need to lose weight, he smiles at me, gives me a hug, and tells me he loves me no matter what I look like. Then, he helps me plan an exercise routine. He all but gives up his beloved Pepsi and stomaches foods he swore he'd never eat.

So, do I owe it to Hokie Hubby to "get in shape". No. I owe it to myself. Will he love me any less or find me any less attractice if I don't lose weight? No. He's already shown that by staying with me this long. Will I love him any less if he gains weight? Nope. Health issues aside, I love him for whoever and whatever he is. He's had that faith in me and I have learned, through him, to have that faith in others.

I truly believe weight loss is all about your support system and with Hokie Hubby in my corner...I can move mountains.

P.S. I have a new exercise DVD that I just LOVE. I actually look forward to popping it into the DVD player each day. That is SO not me


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