Random Notions and Stories of Teaching

October 10, 2005

Anniversary - I hate anniversaries

Note: Bad day...thank goodness every day isn't like this.

Last night, hubby and I had a talk. Sometimes, it is hard for me to believe that it has been over a year since I realized his relapse.

I will spend tonight reliving each moment, each step, each thing I should have caught, lest I forget my mistakes and the hurt. Can't forget. Bad things happen when I forget.

A year ago, I felt as if my world had dropped out from under me. Something I never thought could have happened, had happened, and I didn't know which way to turn. And part of me felt (still feels) I deserved it.

I still wish it had never happened. I would give anything to make that time disappear...to undo it...to change it. I know he would, too. I hate bringing anything about it up to him because I know it upsets him. However, I do get these knee jerk reactions about certain things.I feel like such a fraud when people tell us what a strong marriage we have.

"Apparently not." My mind screams while I smile and say thank you on the outside. I find myself pondering exactly what happened from time to time. Imagining. I want to know everything, yet, I really don't. I don't know if I could handle it. I honestly don't know how people deal with their partner having "a past". Maybe it would be different for me if it were just "a past".

I hate that I knew something was wrong, but chose to ignore it. I wanted to believe everything was ok. But I knew. Sometimes, just to torture myself, I let the what if's take over. I replay the phone call over and over. Driving down the road, I find myself happy and immediately, it plays in my head. It's like I don't want to let myself forget, because if I forget it might happen again.

I think I will always wonder if it is me. Was it something I did? Is he just tricking me? Does he really wish he was with someone else or unattached? What signs were there that I chose to miss? Was I just naive?

When will I stop worrying that he is going to relapse? When will I stop second-guessing my trust in him? When will I stop jumping to the conclusion that something is going on I don't know about? When will I stop being jealous of those who seem to have "the perfect life"? When will everything he does for me, to support me, be enough? When will I stop hurting him? When will he stop thinking I have the right to hurt him? When will I get over it?

When will I stop feeling like I deserved it? If only I had lost weight...if only I had worn makeup...if only.


Warning - random thought - from time to time, I wish for a Men in Black moment where they neurlize that moment right out of my mind. It would make things so much easier.


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